Since the Daily Show and the Colbert Report are digging up scripts they had in the can prior to the strike, I figured I would join the party. Years ago, I entertained the idea of giving up my glamorous life in the corporate world to be a writer for the Daily Show. I submitted these two scripts without a word from Comedy Central. I am giving them a 2nd chance!
Note: I wrote these without the benefit of Final Draft. I just have macros for MS Word that intent and so on. Unfortunately, the indenting didn't all make it to the blog AND the macros disable the spell check, so there may still be some errors in the scripts.
IRAQ MURAL PAINTING: DAILY SHOW
1/30/03: Jason Schell
INT. SET
JOHN
And now with the latest on the growing tension between the U.S. and Iraq, we join CORRESPONDENT live from Baghdad.
Now CORRESPONDENT, we have been hearing a lot of rhetoric from the Bush administration claiming Iraq is not complying with the UN disarmament resolution.
What is the feeling you are getting from both the Iraqi people and your view of the Bush administration’s actions.
CORRESPONDENT
Well Jon, there definitely is tension both in Iraq and within the administration.
JON
Bush had been pushing disarmament to a head in recent days but seems to have backed off, allowing Iraq, quote, “Weeks to comply”. CORRESPONDENT, what caused this shift in policy?
CORRESPONDENT
With recent talk of sending the evil dictator into exile, there are worries within the U.S. as to how to install a post-Saddam government.
JON
I see, the administration is still working on training the new Iraqi government?
CORRESPONDENT
Oh no Jon, that is just about wrapped up in Hungary. The new government is currently in Budapest picking out what hats they will wear when they take power. They are concerned about being upstaged by Mohammad Karzi of Afghanistan.
JON
I am confused. If the new puppet government is ready to take power, what is the U.S. waiting for? Is Rumsfeld still working on strategies for the invasion?
CORRESPONDENT
Jon, please. Bush signed off on the invasion plan months ago. The big worry the administration is now facing is a massive shortage of latex paint in the Gulf region.
JON
I’m sorry CORRESPONDENT; I don’t follow how a shortage of latex paint is holding up this invasion?
CORRESPONDENT
Simple Jon. How can a newly installed puppet government effectively rule while 50 foot murals of Saddam are on every street corner? The latest military intelligence estimates 3 months and a billion dollars will be needed to paint over all the murals.
Insert graphic of crew painting over a Saddam mural.
Insert graphic of the same mural painted all white with large black letters “Bush Rules!”
JON
Thank you, CORRESPONDENT, for that report.
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REBUILDING IRAQ
4/8/03
INT SET:
JON
Now that hostilities in Iraq seem to be winding down, the U.S. focus turns to rebuilding Iraqi infrastructure. Joining us live from Baghdad for more on this topic is our Iraqi correspondent, CORRESPONDENT.
EXT. URBAN STREET-NIGHT
CORRESPONDENT stands on a street corner with ruins in the background. A few people mill around and stare at the CORRESPONDENT.
CORRESPONDENT
Jon, I am standing in a location that may be familiar to you, the Presidential Palace near the Tigris River. Images of this posh estate are likely to be ingrained in the minds of our viewers as one of the first sites Collation troops secured in their fight for Baghdad.
Right across the street you will find the future site of the first Starbuck’s in liberated Iraq. You can see the enthusiasm in the onlookers’ faces while they wait for this bastion of Americana.
“I would like a Carmel Macchiato with an extra helping of Freedom.” Jon.
JON
CORRESPONDENT, they hardly look excited. They seem to be trying to pick up the pieces in a shattered town.
CORRESPONDENT
That’s the Iraqi’s for you Jon. They are very good at hiding their enthusiasm. Take for instance this grand opening of the equivalent of our ‘Wal-Mart.’
Cut to anti-American rally in Iraq with caption: Baghdad 1991, days before Operation Desert Storm.
JON
I overlooked the ability of Iraqis to hide their emotions. Now, CORRESPONDENT, can you give the viewers a better idea of where you are and where the new Starbuck’s will be.
A digital map appears with labels for the Presidential Palace and the Starbuck’s. An X appears indicating the location of CORRESPONDENT.
CORRESPONDENT
You can see the ornate gardens that surround the palace grounds. These will become terraces lined with tables shaded by umbrellas. The perfect place to enjoy a hot drink in the cool desert sun.
If you follow these gardens around to the front of the building you see the Starbuck’s location on the corner. My location is indicated by an X on the map. This will become the 2nd Starbuck’s in Iraq.
JON
Two Starbuck’s caddy corner from each other? Do you think Iraq is ready for this immersion in American culture?
CORRESPONDENT
Most definitely Jon. The planners decided it might be inflammatory to place just one Starbucks in each location. Iraqi’s would soon learn of multi Starbuck’s installations and become jealous that their rebuilding was somewhat inferior to the West.
JON
While the Starbuck’s may be historic for this region, I have to imagine there is a lot more happening during this hectic transition from war to rebuilding.
CORRESPONDENT
Of course there is Jon. Ground was broken today for three Mc Donald’s and the former government run TV has started screening people to compete on Iraqi Idol. Jon…
JON
Thank you, CORRESPONDENT. You can almost see a coffee drinking mob forming to burn an American flag in the background.
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